She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
