I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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