I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
