I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
So much rum. So many feels.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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