I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
