The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
