he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I can't turn off my feet"
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
