why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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