If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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