I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
