I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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