thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
