My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
