the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Randomize
