Pants 0. Shit 1.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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