I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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