His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
