you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
