woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
my being single is dangerous.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
