dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
