I just saw a hot homeless man
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I have tasted many bathrooms
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
