dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
