Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
