My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
