you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
