R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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