forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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