when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
it was like his penis was on wheels.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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