I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
