it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
