At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
