hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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