You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Randomize
