If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
