matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
