fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
