lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
