i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
