Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
