A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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