the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I could make wine with my vomit
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
