If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
