Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
