This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
