I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Randomize
