I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
