11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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