Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
