Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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