one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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