remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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