I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Randomize
